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This Week In Local News: Dude With Knit Hat At Party Calls Beer ‘Libations’ http://t.co/rop8NSnRFuDanica Patrick Takes Last Place In Preakness Stakes http://t.co/L1v03sC3PD http://t.co/ykHZxlRHV1Week In Review: ‘Angelina Jolie Is A Brave, Heroic Woman,’ Says Blogger Who Once Said She Looks Like An Alien http://t.co/c0vonsFqAvBREAKING: Danica Patrick Takes Last Place In Preakness Stakes http://t.co/L1v03sC3PDThis Week's Top Slideshow: 7 Most Unbelievable Autocorrect WINS http://t.co/xCk7JcelH3Baseball Player's Season Going To Depend On If He Can Stay Healthy| More MLB News: http://t.co/am7sZ1urDPOne Of Letters In Company Logo Extends Out, Becomes Arrow | More Business News: http://t.co/O0Ldza8zqEEveryone Forgets To Bring Swimsuits To Coworker’s Party | 'What Are The Odds?' Pasty, Flabby Colleagues Say http://t.co/oXe0g8vylOThis Week's Top Video: Sponsored Content Pretty Fucking Awesome http://t.co/cmuFyfPMSQThe American people are definitely very upset or whatever about all of these things: http://t.co/7yzvKQMAvfThis Week In Business: Sight Of Coworkers' Stupid Fucking Faces Endured Yet Again http://t.co/8kiGMCNRgAThis Week In Tech: Friend Who Sent Link To 8-Minute YouTube Video Must Be Fucking Delusional http://t.co/vI3eCeTNPA

Obama Fondly Recalls Frustration Of First Term http://t.co/ScHSQgp6jHNation Supposes It's Outraged By White House Scandals http://t.co/7yzvKQMAvfAngelina Jolie Is A Brave, Heroic Woman, Says Blogger Who Once Said She Looks Like An Alien http://t.co/c0vonsFqAvCall From Daycare Can't Be Good http://t.co/ktpNhiOguzSponsored Content Pretty Fucking Awesome http://t.co/SElPJgh7Df.@OnionSports examines some of the worst chokes in history http://t.co/sWFNjF8tbxJoint Chiefs Chairman Pretty Sure He Could Pull Off Junta If He Really Wanted To http://t.co/4OCUaBWOGfSkill Difference Between Top, Bottom High School Tennis Seeds Hilarious http://t.co/fUpLKmlPBR[American Voices] "You forgot to mention the drone attacks that kill hundreds of innocent people." http://t.co/oyujHfNvDwI’m not taking any chances with my limited edition lime @WheatThins. I keep mine in a plexiglass case surrounded by laser tripwires.
Retweeted by The Onion“Remember when I couldn’t get anything through Congress for two years? I really miss that.” – @BarackObama http://t.co/pc2xc9cmldObama Fondly Recalls Frustration Of First Term http://t.co/ScHSQgp6jH“To be frank, though, none of this stuff really affects me in any way whatsoever. That’s the God’s honest truth.” http://t.co/PIMoH9swl8Nation Supposes It's Outraged By White House Scandals | 'I Guess It's Bad, Sure,' Populace Shrugs http://t.co/y3nkFL4gmK‘Angelina Jolie Is A Brave, Heroic Woman,’ Says Blogger Who Once Said She Looks Like An Alien http://t.co/c0vonsFqAvCoworker Who Went To Gym This Morning A Chipper Little Fucker http://t.co/fmqbJkbGZDDebt is scary, but @SALT_Money has your back. They’ll not only help you #FaceTheRed, you could win a sweet $10k http://t.co/eEXNtkx4x6
Retweeted by The OnionCleveland Browns Gearing Up To Punt Ball Down Opponents’ Throats http://t.co/hh9ONBCu3y
Retweeted by The Onion“These types of posts are so fucking incredible and great because the people coming up with the ideas are so smart." http://t.co/k6HpzWpJIu"It’s not like they call you in the middle of the day to say your child is doing great." http://t.co/zVIHOUjgQwCall From Daycare Can't Be Good http://t.co/ktpNhiOguz"It’s cool. I don’t find it in any way insulting to my intelligence. Did I mention it's just really fucking cool?” http://t.co/k6HpzWpJIuSponsored Content Pretty Fucking Awesome http://t.co/SElPJgh7Df.@OnionSports examines some of the worst chokes in the history of athletic competition: http://t.co/sWFNjF8tbx“There really are no insurmountable barriers to having tanks on the White House lawn by the end of the day." http://t.co/TEFmjJZ8o6Joint Chiefs Chairman Pretty Sure He Could Pull Off Junta If He Really Wanted To http://t.co/4OCUaBWOGfSkill Difference Between Top, Bottom High School Tennis Seeds Hilarious http://t.co/LgwFMatyZp
Retweeted by The OnionWeekend Magazine: Getting That Perfect Souffle In A World Of Uncertainty And Pain http://t.co/Yx063nhlpUThe Office's finale isn't great television, but it's the perfect finale for the show http://t.co/GBgM7xz3P9
Retweeted by The Onion[American Voices] “We get it, medical community. Stop stuffing marijuana down our throats.” http://t.co/CHoUHurZor[Onion Radio News] Burundi Beef Council: 'Please Send Beef' http://t.co/a354VHxULVIn Focus: Bleary-Eyed Coworker Up All Night Generating More Work For You http://t.co/U3FKcjOxpr

David Beckham Announces He’s A Quitter http://t.co/5MZ35jIlBfObama Supporter Has Perfectly Improbable Explanation Absolving President From Blame For Scandals http://t.co/74vSTGEkeoHere is a look back at some of The Office's most unforgettable moments: http://t.co/LRfYgwEk7QReport: Nation’s Lone Non-Telepathic Individual Still Completely Unaware http://t.co/aacLBBLSXXThe Onion Urges Barack Obama To Come Clean About The Basilisk Project http://t.co/wUKLfCMZYsReport: Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Left really Nice Thank You Note To Boat Owner http://t.co/anMMonsSy3Prepare for the end of The Office by reading all our coverage of it http://t.co/a4DSoAApu5
Retweeted by The OnionWhat’s Our Cat Plotting? http://t.co/iqt2sI5fJSHow The Office rose from a midseason also-ran to a nine-season behemoth http://t.co/1UtQCDyQXq
Retweeted by The OnionArea Woman Sneezes Like Tiny Mouse Begging For Food | More Health News: http://t.co/yKrarD3jM5Do you believe that the lives of 287 Americans are expendable, Mr. President? http://t.co/o4CPe5XzCcMr. President, just who is pulling your strings? http://t.co/raAYbP3lpNThe Onion Urges Barack Obama To Come Clean About The Basilisk Project http://t.co/dcB8RuRHre[American Voices] "This is why Chavez was such a huge proponent of bidets." http://t.co/cKHhkXIM3bDavid Beckham Announces He’s A Quitter http://t.co/fanbKmBi1S"Let’s watch this thing play out. He had nothing to do with any of this. You’ll see." – Obama supporter http://t.co/9k9wQmTYIBObama Supporter Has Perfectly Improbable Explanation Absolving President From Blame For Scandals http://t.co/COEtOx17am"At this very moment, the non-telepath is being mocked, via psychic messages, by everyone else on the planet." http://t.co/dghb4HkNRnReport: World's Lone Non-Telepathic Individual Still Completely Unaware http://t.co/xlyCXAqdzMIn Focus: Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable' http://t.co/DGkEXOQucq"I just wanted to say thank you and that I apologize for bleeding all over your boat." – Dzhokhar Tsarnaev http://t.co/Fx6yDsQm6sReview: Brawn trumps brains again in J.J. Abrams' second Star Trek film http://t.co/cw5IWax8Tt
Retweeted by The OnionReport: Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Left Really Nice Thank-You Note To Boat Owner http://t.co/KgIOVGw5VIIn Focus: 'The Office' Ends As Documentary Crew Gets All The Footage It Needs http://t.co/tOsRhHAsZyhttp://t.co/rA9Io2xq3n Holds Contest Challenging Fans To Name An Indiana Pacer | More NBA News: http://t.co/n8K9RiE6tI
Retweeted by The OnionHere is a look back at some of The Office's most unforgettable moments: http://t.co/qP1mDJcTw8Did you know 10% of our cats have been plotting bird genocide? | More Cat Plots: http://t.co/FLPzCENGzRWhat's Our Cat Plotting? http://t.co/JFaAji9n39You have three days left to watch the Onion pilot that Jeffrey Tambor calls one of his "three tremendous loves" http://t.co/yNOfM86XB9
Retweeted by The OnionPatrons of Darrin’s Bar looked on in horror as Barenaked Ladies' “One Week” was murdered by a local band | Obits: http://t.co/qhHTBOI6YO[American Voices] “I don’t like streaming services. There’s just nothing quite like owning the original MP3.” http://t.co/pqxhih66LeIn Focus | Report: Mom Just Locked Her Door http://t.co/SgPcT2XGD3

Yankees Fans Turn On Mariano Rivera After Spat With Wildly Popular Joba Chamberlain http://t.co/dDjYgzIGPMDesperate Mom Okays Male Babysitter http://t.co/Zf6IJzQfyaBangladesh Factory Owners Vow To Change Nothing So That This Happens Again http://t.co/Ifu2FpaUg5Cormac McCarthy Flaunts Sexy New Beach Body http://t.co/w21IqEVLQyReport: No Way This Year’s Summer Strawberries Living Up To Hype http://t.co/jHeTjPtjrHSteven Spielberg Claims He Dislikes Black Actors To Get Out Of Cannes Jury Duty http://t.co/xGQwxprS2F25-Year-Old Woman's Biggest Dream Still Being Popular High School Student http://t.co/uyl3pYUPUzBitter Feud Developing Between Joakim Noah, Rest Of Humanity http://t.co/dhZKAIjnSHSea World To Discontinue Great White Shark Ride http://t.co/abDv3QVABUFriend Who Sent Link To 8-Minute YouTube Video Must Be Fucking Delusional http://t.co/vI3eCeTNPAOnion Radio News: New Mommy A Lot Prettier http://t.co/hMopImweiWLook at you! You’re all skin and bones. Fatten yourself up with a nourishing TV show like Onion News Empire: http://t.co/wFQAhmZVAjWHOA THERE, AUTOCORRECT! Cool it with all those perfectly spelled and properly placed words! | Slideshow: http://t.co/C41ZYk8zgE"My neighbor offered to check in, so everything should be fine…right?” – Desperate mom on hiring a male babysitter http://t.co/wtg4ddDGoMDesperate Mom Okays Male Babysitter http://t.co/Zf6IJzQfya7 Most Unbelievable Autocorrect WINS http://t.co/C41ZYk8zgEYankees Fans Turn On Mariano Rivera After Spat With Wildly Popular Joba Chamberlain http://t.co/xUPmXnIkPi
Retweeted by The OnionMother's Day Card Arrives http://t.co/7hvVHOT0jf"The workers of Bangladesh are our least important resource and deserve nothing more than inhumane conditions." http://t.co/2zKcRyPG9ABangladesh Factory Owners Vow To Change Nothing So That This Happens Again http://t.co/Ifu2FpaUg5Disney quietly kills its gussied up version of Merida, the Brave princess http://t.co/4cSiIZ7FBu
Retweeted by The OnionCormac McCarthy Flaunts Sexy New Beach Body http://t.co/w21IqEVLQyReport: No Way This Year's Summer Strawberries Living Up To Hype http://t.co/jHeTjPtjrH"I feel compelled to report that I have a personal bias against black actors and actresses." – Steven Spielberg http://t.co/vB6SD9U2h4